fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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