I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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