You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
the raccoons are back...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
