I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
