I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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