ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize