After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
