Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
