"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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