I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
