Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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