just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
