just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
