i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
