That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
