when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
