I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
