my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
