every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
