oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
