the condom got lost in my hair
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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