How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
