i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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