dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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