Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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