Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize