Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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