I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize