i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
home. puking in laundry basket.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
