We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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