Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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