I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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