I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
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ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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