Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
