never play flip cup with pint glasses
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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