i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
