Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
