I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
