So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
