The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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