Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
