question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
