I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
