You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
