No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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