Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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