I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
