this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
