her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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