I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
