I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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