what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
