the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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