cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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