I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
