today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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