Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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