it hurts more in the daytime
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
