I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
being pregnant is like rehab
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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