i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A+ Viking dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
