You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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