So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All the doctor said was why
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
