she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
